Cover story: Vesak is one of the most important festivals in Buddhism. It symbolizes washing away defilement, purifying body and mind, and praying for wisdom and peace. It was also the first time in my life that I joined a religious volunteer activity.

Like the previous blog post, this one is also a book reflection. Both books were gifts from the same close friend. Intimate relationships are a topic I have always avoided and been curious about at the same time, and I finished this book with that mindset. After reading it, I do not think my dating skills improved much, perhaps that still has to be learned through practice, but it did give me a chance to reflect on one question: what makes it so hard for me to step into an intimate relationship?

Romance does not solve your problem

Even before reading this book, I already had this thought: do not try to solve personal problems through romance. That includes, but is not limited to, starting a relationship because life feels boring, because I feel lonely, or even because of physical needs. To me, the only reason to date someone should be that we like each other.

The book says:

What predicts your future happiness in an intimate relationship most accurately? It is your original level of happiness as an individual. This matters four times more than all the indicators of your partner combined.

If I am not happy now, why would I expect to become happy after entering a relationship? Or, to put it another way, am I satisfied with my current life? Am I happy on my own? I think my life is internally consistent, but there is still a lot of room for improvement in terms of happiness. I often tell myself that work is busy and that I need to save money, because studying abroad cost a lot. Precisely because I keep placing layer after layer of restrictions on myself, I have missed many life experiences. Over time, I have kept doing what I think I should do, and almost never done what I actually want to do. In the end, I forgot what I wanted.

Do not make romance too heavy

Maybe people with little dating experience tend to treasure every hard-won potential opportunity too much. Every step becomes cautious, and before the relationship is even confirmed, they already assign it a heavy meaning, using it to satisfy the fantasy persona of being a good man. I can say this so sharply and truthfully because I am exactly that kind of person. A girl I once confessed to also pointed out this problem to me.

The book says:

A small number of relationships enter marriage, and most relationships enter friendship. That is a healthier and more admirable ending for romantic relationships.

Often, people who truly loved with all their heart in a relationship can let go after it ends. Instead, the ones who did not give their all are the ones who still want to get back together after separating. That is human nature.

Love is love. It is simple, primitive, and irrational by nature. Marrying for love is not marriage being mixed into love; it is love being mixed into marriage.

This made me suddenly realize that, no matter what I do, I care too much about the result and ignore the experience along the way. Add my habitual negative summaries after failure, and very little executable experience ever gets retained. It is also very hard to make myself happy this way. I should not focus on whether this girl likes me or not. Instead, I should understand her, pay attention to her feedback, and treat her well in the way I believe is right. If I really tried and we still did not end up together, that is not failure. It is incompatibility. Doing this is not easy. It requires courage. Not only in romance, but in life too, learning to enjoy the process and reducing obsession with outcomes are ways to improve happiness.

Chatting is not information exchange

This is one of my weak spots. Outside of work needs, I am not used to communicating with people online, because online communication lacks the immediate and rich feedback of face-to-face interaction. If the other person does not reply, are they busy, or did I say something that left them with no way to respond? I know this is the burden that comes from caring too much about the other person, but just like the saying, I understand all the principles, yet still cannot live this life well, it is still hard not to think about it.

It is not that I have nothing to say. I just do not know what is most appropriate to say. Overthinking makes me miss the moment to join a topic, and in the end I look like I have been silent the whole time.

Actually, language is also a kind of container. It catches the thoughts we radiate, the shame we cannot hide, and the emotions burning inside us.

Maybe this is also why I write a blog: I can express my thoughts and emotions completely, without being interrupted. I am not emotionless. I am just not good at bringing those things out naturally in real-time communication. Adults’ time is precious, and when two people are not yet familiar with each other, opportunities to meet offline are actually a luxury, though I firmly believe offline > online. Ideally, online communication should become an extension of meeting offline. So learning how to express my inner thoughts through a screen is something I need to work on.

Chatting is 30% information and 70% emotion.

This reminds me of a conversation with a married friend: what should you do if your wife fails an interview? He said he would feel that his wife must be very upset, and he would want to take her out for a good meal. I said I might ask what the interview questions were.

This is the part I used to ignore. I always thought unnecessary words did not need to be said, including but not limited to:

• There is no need to ask for information that can be found directly through an internet search or by asking AI.
• Do not solve emotions; solve problems.

But in fact, being able to say whatever comes to mind together is an ideal state. In a certain moment, I may suddenly want to send you a message. The message itself may not contain much information, and I am not anxiously waiting for a reply either. This mode of chatting already exists between me and my friends. I can do it naturally.

Learn to make small talk

Emotional energy is like a field. In this state, both people feel natural and happy, and may even enter flow. The highest level of chatting is the ability to open this field at any time, so that everyone chatting with you, including yourself, can have a good emotional experience.

As long as you see the other person, even online, you feel happy.

Good emotional energy keeps goodwill flowing through your conversations.

Of course, being able to bring someone into flow through conversation is already a very high level. Once people enter flow, they no longer need to think repeatedly; whatever comes to mind comes out naturally. I believe that someone who is very good at chatting can bring the person they are talking to into this state, whether online or offline. To do this requires long-term accumulation: the ability to think from another person’s perspective, pick up jokes and references, observe carefully, have knowledge, and remain curious about people. In short, being good at small talk really is an ability.

Even so, there are still small things I can start practicing right away:

1. No one can establish a relationship at this stage, so there is really no need to add so much drama for myself. That only makes the burden heavier and distorts my behavior. The goal should be a potentially deep relationship, not necessarily a romantic relationship.
2. No matter what profile picture I use, it has to bring positive emotions to people.
3. Use open-ended or deeper questions, and talk about what the other person is interested in. Psychology has confirmed more than once that what people ultimately love is themselves in the mirror.
4. Do not ask questions that take too much mental effort or time to answer, especially when we are not familiar with each other yet.
5. Cultivate my own curiosity. Treat it as a sustainable practice and build it into my life habits. Curiosity itself can also bring new perspectives and joy into life.
6. Send messages at the right time. Observe which time periods have the highest reply frequency, usually before sleep at night, and also let the other person know my daily rhythm.
7. When asking to meet offline, be as specific and definite as possible. Do not ask open-ended questions. The time, place, and activity should all be clear. Their preferences should be collected through open-ended questions in everyday conversations.
8. Do not judge. This principle applies to anyone, at any time.
9. Do not complain or blame the other person. This principle also applies to anyone, at any time. But it is fine to express unpleasant feelings; that belongs to nonviolent communication.

The three elements of romance

The three elements of romance are intimacy, trust, and sexual attraction. Among them, sexual attraction is necessary. Combined with either of the other two, it can form an intimate relationship.

Sexual attraction can combine with either element and let the two of you begin a romantic relationship.

Although you may have found a very important friend, if the switch of sexual attraction has not been turned on, you can only remain good friends.

Among the three elements of romance, sexual attraction is required, intimacy can be cultivated, and trust is the hardest.

This part felt a little cruel to me, but also very clear. In the past, I easily placed too much importance on whether I was sincere and whether I was willing to take responsibility, as if being serious enough would naturally make a relationship happen. But romance is not a moral exam, and commitment should not be placed on the table from the very beginning.

Sexual attraction sounds a bit improper, as if admitting its importance would make love less pure. But it is indeed a very real switch between romance and friendship. Intimacy can be cultivated, and trust needs to be fulfilled through action. But if there is no attraction at all, it is hard for a relationship to move from “a very good person” to “someone I want to get closer to.”

The ambiguous stage cannot move forward through spiritual declarations alone either. A relationship needs a little spark, and also a little physical closeness. I used to think about these things too seriously. The more I thought, the more it felt like I was solving a problem where points could be deducted, and in the end I did not dare to do anything.

So now I am more willing to understand the three elements of romance as a sense of order: do not rush to make promises, and do not rush to define the relationship. Instead, observe whether there is attraction between us, whether there is curiosity, and whether there is a desire to keep getting closer.

How to build a deep relationship

Mutual self-disclosure + shared experiences + honest vulnerability + soul-level conversation

People like talking about themselves!

Revealing your vulnerability is the most powerful bargaining chip for gaining trust.

My previous understanding of a “deep relationship” was somewhat biased. I thought that as long as the topic was deep enough, a deep relationship could be built. But depth does not come from the topic itself. It comes from two people gradually handing themselves over in conversation. What truly brings people closer is that I am curious about you, you are willing to let me see you, and after I hear you, I do not judge, interrupt, or rush to give an answer.

This is also something I need to practice: maintaining curiosity about others without crossing boundaries. People do like talking about themselves, but only when they feel safe. Compared with immediately analyzing reasons or giving suggestions, I should first really listen, and then honestly say what touched me. Shared experiences are also important. Many relationships are not built by chatting alone, but slowly grow out of doing things together.

I also realized that a deep relationship cannot be completed through one “soul-level conversation.” I do not understand myself well enough, so it is also hard for me to help others understand me. For example, what am I truly afraid of? What kind of life do I want? What do I expect from an intimate relationship? These are things I need to think through in advance.

Self-completeness

When you can spend a Friday night alone, open a bottle of wine, watch a movie, and feel peaceful and fulfilled inside, instead of anxiously scrolling through Moments to see who is showing off their relationship, congratulations: you already have the qualification to enter a high-quality relationship at any time.

The three pillars of self-completeness: I can take control of my life, I can handle challenges, and I have a deep connection with the world.

There is another pair of concepts in the book that I really like: loneliness and solitude. The former is a state of lack, like there is a hole in the heart that urgently needs someone to fill it. The latter is a state of abundance. Even alone, one can focus on the experience of the present moment. This distinction made me realize that being alone itself is not scary. What is scary is treating romance as medicine.

The first pillar of self-completeness should be “I can take control of my life.” This does not mean I need to control all outcomes, but that I should bring my goals back to behaviors I can control.

The second pillar is “I can handle challenges.” Intimate relationships will inevitably bring uncertainty. In the past, I would subconsciously want to avoid these risks, so I simply would not begin. But if I see romance as an experience and a form of growth, then risk is already part of it.

The third pillar is “I have a deep connection with the world.” If a person’s emotional support comes only from their romantic partner, then the relationship can easily become too heavy. Friends, family, interests, work, study, and physical condition are all parts of the structure that supports a person.

Writing to this point, I instead feel that what this book really taught me is not only how to date, but how to become someone more suited to entering an intimate relationship. Liking someone can certainly become a motivation for me to become better, but in the end, I still have to return to myself.